Sitting...Waiting

That's what I was doing. That's what she was doing. I just can't stand the thought. I was sitting...waiting for someone else to make my decisions for me, and she was waiting for me to make my own decisions. My heart sinks and feels like it's been run over. Have you ever told someone that you would do something, and then you didn't do it? You probably made a bunch of excuses why you couldn't follow through. You're not alone. Then when someone talked with you about the situation in general, you mistakenly thought that he or she was trying to shame you. Yep, I've done that too.

My grandmother now lives in a nursing home. Bless her heart. The fact that we need nursing homes makes me want Jesus to come back all the sooner. I can't wait for the day when people stay well forever and never get sick. I told my grandmother that I would come by today and check on her. I should've just kept my mouth shut, because I got caught up in the tasks of the day. I got caught up in my own weakness of not being able to make my own decisions. And, I got caught up in listening to thoughts in my head telling me to wait on other people to make decisions for me. I can't take responsibility for a person's unhealthy influences in my life, but I can certainly take responsibility for my own decisions. And I take full responsibility for not going to see my grandmother like I said I would.

So, why does my heart sink? Well, a nurse informed my mother that Meme had been sitting in her wheelchair waiting on me to come see her. She mostly stays in her bed because she can't really walk, and it was a big deal for her to ask to stay in her wheelchair today. Dear holy goodness, that's why my heart sinks. To think that she was sitting in her wheelchair looking out the window waiting for me, waiting on something that was never going to happen, just rips my heart out.

I. just. can't. stand. the. thought.

Realizing my own potential and ability to be this mean when not even trying really made me want to change some things about myself in these types of situations.

1. I want to be brave enough to face my own messiness.

When someone brings to my attention that I have wronged him or her, I want to be brave enough to see what that person sees. I want to be brave enough for that person to show me my blinds pots. Because, what that person sees is different from what I see, and unfortunately I can be blind to the ways in which I wrong people. I want to change that.

2. I want to be brave enough to ask for forgiveness.

Before I ask the other person for forgiveness, I ask for forgiveness from the Lord, because He is the One whom I have ultimately wronged when I am mean to another person. Jesus suffered the most brutal death for me, and here I am shaking like a leaf lacking courage to face the person and offer a genuine apology. However, the good news is that Jesus is alive, and the power of His resurrection gives me the courage and bravery to ask Him for forgiveness. It also gives me the courage and bravery to ask the person whom I've wronged for forgiveness.

3. I want to be brave enough to change my lifestyle so that I don't make the same mistakes.

I want to be brave enough to see the specifics of how I've wronged someone. I want to be brave enough to process my decisions and learn how not to make the same mistakes.

4. I want to be brave enough to make my own decisions.

That's right. I want to learn how to ignore the thoughts in my head that distract me. I want to be brave enough to act contrary to the unhealthy influences in my life.

5. I want to be brave enough to trust God for the promises that He has made.

When God makes promises, He follows through. As much as I cannot bear to stand the thought of my grandmother sitting and waiting for me to do what I said I would do and then me not following through, so God cannot stand the thought of us waiting for Him and Him not following through on what He said He would do. God keeps His promises, and I want to be brave enough to trust Him.